“I’m so stupid… “ These are the words she screamed at me as she threw her bike on the ground. She seemed frustrated she couldn’t ride her bike without training wheels by herself her first try. When she screamed those words, I had to ask her to repeat herself. I couldn’t believe my ears. My heart just broke, how did she know what that means?
I could relate to her in that moment. I used to call myself stupid all the time. Sometimes I still do. It’s easy when you have told yourself something for as long as you can remember. It doesn’t even faze you. But hearing it from her was heartbreaking.
A few days later I looked into the mirror and I felt ugly. I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt ridiculous. Nothing seemed to look right. I could have a million things to wear but none of it is good enough. None of it makes me feel better. I think I need new stuff, or I need to lose weight. I would take any excuse to stay home and hide away.
As I was getting ready to force myself to leave the house a wave of sadness came over me. I don’t have an excuse to think these thoughts anymore, or to feel so down I can hardly get out of bed. My life is not in shambles. I have learned ways to cope and control these thoughts.
Why on this day is the old stuff coming back and flooding me to the point of feeling paralyzed? No one hurt me, I’m healthy, in fact I just got back from a two week vacation so I should feel grateful and rested.
Then reality hits me. These dark thoughts will never go away. They come at times I need to be reminded of the truth. They fill my spirit so quickly trying to take control of me. I am forced to decide am I going to believe the lies or fight.
I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I’m ugly.. I’ll never… I should have done it this way… I hate myself…. I’ll never be enough. These are the lies I tell myself sometimes.
I used to think food made me feel better. I thought a lot of alcohol would make me feel better. I thought constantly buying new clothes would make me feel better. I thought counting calories and being very strict would make me feel better. I thought bad relationships would make me feel better. I thought making everyone happy in any way I could would make me feel better. I thought being busy would make me feel better. All of these helped me ignore the pain and the thoughts. They always come flooding back sometimes worse than before.
The truth is nothing can take these lies away. They always come back. No matter how good your life may feel, in a moment you could lose it and forget.
I want you to be conscious of the way you talk to yourself. Always remember to talk to yourself like you would talk to a family member or best friend. Someone you love. You wouldn’t tell them they are ugly and worthless. You would build them up and remind them of the truth. It’s important to build yourself up too.
Shame is a thick dark layer of feeling we all have to handle. The more you put yourself down, the more you begin to believe it. I believed it. But through a lot of counseling and self-discovery, I am conscious of how I talk to myself. I hate how easy it is to lose control and to give in to the lies. But I think the best thing about it is being reminded of the truth.
You are loved more than you know. You are worthy of love. You are beautiful. You are enough.
And that is what I told my daughter after she told me she was stupid and she would NEVER EVER ride her bike, EVER again.
