• Carrie Usmar

Spirit of Fear


This is a picture from my drive down a dirt road yesterday. I looked at this picture and thought wow that tree looks like a peace sign. A great reminder that I am at peace, and I am learning what works for me at this time in my life. I've realized fear is not working. It has dug a hole pretty deep inside me. I hear this voice telling me I can't. Telling me I shouldn't. Telling me I'm not worth it. Telling me people don't want to hear it and that no one can relate. Telling me I am alone. 

Everyone has a season of life. Some are very open and some are closed. I often wonder why I do what I do. Why do I spend hours writing? Why did I start sharing my personal struggle? What do people think?

On the days that I write, I usually wake up at 4am. Not because I want to, but because my baby wakes up around then sometimes and I am just yearning to get some stuff out of my mind and onto paper. It’s the time of day when everyone is sleeping and I can write and create in peace and quiet.  

I’ve been afraid of sharing my writing on my blog for quite some time. Mostly afraid of what people will think. My mind tells me I shouldn’t be talking about this. Or I shouldn’t share that story. Or this piece is not good enough. I don’t often voice these thoughts out loud or in conversation. Sometimes its just painful to talk about, or I don’t feel worthy of sharing my personal struggle.

But I do know what the silent struggle feels like. You feel so alone in the dark. You aren’t sure what to do. You think your friends won’t understand. You think your parents won’t get it. Even your spouse might not get it. So you sit in silence alone. Until you break. And that is a scary thought. I don’t want that for you, or for anyone.

I’ve decided I am going to continue to speak loud and clear about depression, anxiety, finding the light, and whatever else I'm feeling passionate about.  It may not be every day, or every week. But I won’t give into fear or perfection. I’ve been doing that for a while now. The past few days I have felt the urge to face my fears. To be brave and remember why I started this blog. Its called Mama Daring Greatly for a reason. Lately I’ve been consumed with fear. I hope that I can continue to remember to face fears and continue to be brave. And I hope you will continue to read and always remember you are not alone, you are loved, you are more than enough.


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